Whilst on my way home from work yesterday, I dropped into the local shop to complete my 5-a-day.

As I dropped carrots into a bag, a fresh faced toddler appeared next to me and started to sift through the carrots too.

After a minute or so he carefully picked out one especially nice looking carrot and turned to his Mum who was just appearing at the bottom of the isle.

The young lad looked up "Mummy I've picked a carrot for the rabbit"
His face was full of pride.

With that, his Mother walked past him and without giving him a glance said "We haven't got a fuckin rabbit!!". With that she dissapeared down the bread isle.

Always cup the balls Ladies. My other half always cups my balls and I love it.

And fellas, shave your nads. Ladies love a shawn sack and I've gotta tell ya, it feels great, like a soft silk purse.

Now go enjoy yourselves

It has begun to dawn on me that Ebay is either 'black majic' (that's not racist) or people are liars.

By way of explanation I need only ask you one simple question;

"Have you ever met anyone who didn't come out a winner on Ebay?"

I suspect your answer will be no.

I have never bought or sold anything on Ebay, as I have massive trust issues with the whole concept of it. So all I have to go on are the experiences of friends and work colleagues. But here's the thing;

On the selling front, all I seem to hear are tales of unbelievable sales;
People selling old knackered mobile phones for hundreds of pounds. Old shitty playstation games for more than they cost new. There's a lad at work who sells his teenage son's second hand stinking trainers for the kind of money you'd pay for a kilo of Charlie.

Another lad at work who sold a set of kitchen diner 'faux leather' stools for more than he paid for them, six years ago!! Don't people look at the price of stuff first before they start to bid on Ebay, or are they just carried away by the excitement of it all. Sat at home like David Dickinson on speed.

Equally, I've never met anyone who hasn't got a bargain on Ebay;
"I got this £500 camera for £6 and a happy meal!!"

The number of people who brag about all these majical deals they find on everything from board games to luxury yachts. I don't believe it for a minute.

"I got this Porsche 911 for free! They ran out of garage space and just wanted someone to take it off their hands"

So my point is this;

IF EVERYONE WHO SELLS SOMETHING ON EBAY MAKES A FIVE HUNDRED PERCENT PROFIT AND EVERYONE WHO BUYS SOMETHING, GETS IT FOR THE PRICE OF DUST, THEN WHAT THE FUCK?"

It just doesn't work. It's basic maths I think. Either Ebuyers, like Gordan Brown, have no concept of the cost of living, or there is some kind of voodoo going on. In theory, Ebay should be in a state of massive negative equity and on the brink of implossion (can't spell that).

Ebay just doesn't work. It can't possibly work.

In reality I think the true picture is very different. I think it comes down to pride and ego. Nobody wants to admit they paid £60 for a mobile phone and it never turned up. Nobody wants to admit they've been done. Surely for Ebay to work and balance itself out, there must be 10 horror stories for every positive one. For every pound people save on one item, they must lose ten on another.

That's a more likely explanation.

Essentially Ebay is an online carboot sale. People selling shite that no one wants to idiots who don't really need it. It just seems more glam coz it's done over a laptop instead of out of the back of an old Volvo at the local dogtrack car park.

I'm planning to start an anti Ebay campaign and would appreciate your suport

Complaints have been flooding in after the Simpsons Team revealed that the coming series will see Marge become a 'Crack Whore'.

It is suspected that her strained marriage with Homer will come to a head and the messy split wll see her turn to drinnk, then painkillers and ultimately crack cocaine.

Updates to follow.

I am a real advert fan and really enjoy a good one. I get extremely wound up though when companies can't be arsed to put a bit of effort into advertising.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but %60 of all adverts just wash over you, niether catching the eye nor causing offence, I don't mind them. %10 of adverts are clever, witty or attention grabbing and are pleasant to watch, I love them. Then there's the remaining %30 which are absolute shite and get my blood boiling.

Don't get me wrong, I know small companies haven't got the budget to animate rubbish being ejected from the sea and not all companies employ advertisers who have the natural flare to have your sides splitting. But come on folks, how hard is it to dress a buxom page three girl in a bikini and just sit her on your product? That'd suffice.

I mean the Halifax Bank is the perfect example. Getting staff members (famously Howard who has now been sacked) to sing and dance badly was a stupid idea and led to a long running string of shit ads. I'm sure there are staff members with big tits and nice hair who could have had mortgage rates pencilled onto their buttocks.

There's absolutely no excuse for a lot of the really bad ads out there. The multitude of ones revolved around accidents in the work place. The crap car insurance ads (Admiral and Churchill you know who you are). The crappy adverts for online bingo that have started cropping up.
Iceland ads involving Kerry 'fat horrible chavy' Katona and her horrible disfunctional family eating mountains of frozen processed food.
"How much do we want to borrow? 25'000 pounds?" You know the one "Well they better not cancel football". That's the one that really got me mad. What a pile of crap. Thank God it's a thing of the past

I'm not sure if I'm a bit strange, because other people don't seem to be too bothered about ads. My other half's family put the T.V on mute during ads to talk!!!!!!!!! What's all that about? I sit there grinding my teeth, fists clenched, trying to lip read and guess the music.

This brings me to the point of this blog entry. Have you seen the latest advert for

GREENFLAG breakdown cover.

It's brilliant, a refreshing change. It's not comedy genius, don't get me wrong. However it made me laugh out loud, which compelled me to tell you all about it.

Just so you know which one it is, it starts with a husband and wife broken down at roadside and husband starts playing drums on the steering wheel with his pen. I'll not spoil the ending. It is hot of the press as I write this, so keep your eyes peeled.

It's refreshing to see a mundane ad with a bit of thought put into it. The lips move at the right time and everything.

Watch this space as I intend to list my top 10ish fave ads of all time and the ones that make me turn over before I flip and smash the T.V. Any contributions to the creative process are welcome. If you're not an advert buff though you just won't understand

It is a daily occurance for someone to start a rant at work about "The bastard unemployed" and how much tax payers money they waste.

I obviously join in these conversations wholeheartedly. I do feel a tad uninformed though and think that you should make sure you have your facts straight pre rant. Therefore, I decided to trawl the web in an attempt to find out exactly what it's costing you and I.

So here's some figures I managed to dig up, so tat next time you are ranting about the unemployed at work, you can quote som numbers;

The total annual cost of those claiming unemployment benefit, disability and job seekers allowance etc is £61 BILLION a year.

The government conceed that the amount physically paid out is £11 BILLION.

The first figure is calculated by working out how much we tax payers have to put into the pot to make up for the tax that Would be paid in by all the jobless fuckers if they could be arsed to get out of bed.

To save you doing any maths, I can tell you that it works out at around £2'800 per tax paying household annually!!!

What's the World come too.

A look on the Government website reveals where some of our taxes are going. There are 1.53 million unemployed in the Uk. Then there's the 1 million economically inactive (those who aren't actively seeking work, but don't have a job or income either) add those 2.53 million to the 1 million (of 2.5 million cliaming disability) on incapacity benefit who are playing the system, then that's 3.53 million people getting the following;

£60 a week job seekers allowance or £85 a week disability
£19 a week child benefit for child one and £13 for every kid after that.

£500 child trust fund (employed get half that!!!)
A further £500 sure start maternity grant for every child.
Travel to and from Hospital paid,
Free prescriptions,
Free dental care,
Free eyesight tests,
Help towards the cost of glasses / contact lenses,
Free courses at College and travel paid to and from.
Healthy start scheme which entitles you to free milk/formula and fruit and veg every week when you've got kids.
No Council Tax payments,
No rent.

Jesus Christ that's a lot of money.

Don't forget of course that if you are claiming disability then you can claim a motorbility car. That is a new car (usually 07 plate or newer)with no road tax to pay or insurance.
Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge genuine disabled people getting around. However there are plenty of people playing the system. I know of a local lad who crashed a car he'd stolen, badly breaking his leg. He is now entitled to £85 a week incapacity instead of the £60 a week he was getting as a job seeker and now he's got a brand new car to drive around in. That doesn't seem right to me, what do you reckon?

There are of course hundreds of other crazy money wasting schemes out there. There's wheels to work, where youths are given new mopeds with free insurance so they can drive to the factory rather than get a bus.

There's the free nicotorette patches and gum the unemployed smoker gets on the NHS to try and quit. They wouldn't need to quit if they got food vouchers instead of money every week, they wouldn't be able to buy cigs in the first place to get started.
There's the free gym classes that are being handed out to the unemployd obese. Again my argument would be that if they didn't get so much money, they wouldn't be able to buy so much bastard food. If they were that keen to loose weight then why not start fucking running, that would cost the tax payer £0 a week.

Now think of all the individuals (and theres a lot) who we are paying for, who are in their late twenties and are mentally ill through drug abuse throughout thier teens. Drug induced phsycosis they call it. That's 40 to 60 years of care for every one.

Add that to the thousands of heroin addicts who are on drug treatment programs receiving free methadone and councilling etc. Then the thousands of heroin addicts not in drug treatment programs receiving free needles, free citric acid, free swabs, free councilling, free health visitors to check up on thier health and free treatment for deep vein thrombosis.

Then add that to the cost of upkeep of the millions of Council Houses up and down the Country. If two scummers fall out they will no dount resolve matters by smashing each others windows. They call the Cops, get a cime number which they give to the Council in return for free new double glazing.

It just goes on and on.

My advice to you is get out while you can because it'll only get worse.

Here's food for thought too, not only are we paying for all that, but if someone comes into this Counry from the Eu and has a child back in Slovakia, they can claim Child Benefits for that child or children even if they never step foot in the UK! What's all that about.

I'm sure there are loads of other handouts that didn't jump out at me, but I'm sure your average jobless piece of shite with ADHD and who can't read or write, knows them all inside out.

The time is finally here folks. Gays and gals all over the globe will be clapping limp wristed at the thought of a feature length Sex and the City.

What a load of shit.

I, like so many other red blooded men out there, was caught out all those years ago.
When flicking through the channels I spotted a program starting with the word 'sex' after the watershed. Imagine my delight;

"There's bound to be some tits on show in this". How wrong can you be.

I, like all those other men, watched about 5 minutes of an episode and then turned back to Eurotrash, dissapointed and dejected. What a let down.

The show was and still is a load of kak.

If it's on when I walk into a room, I feel immediately violent. I want to kill someone. Preferably the tosser who writes it.

My biggest bug bare, is the lead, Sarah Jessica Parker, or SJP as she is known amongst wannabe IT girls.

"She's so brave, she wears what she wants and sets her own trends"

No she wears shite that no one in thier right mind would wear. The world of fashion is a strange one, but once you start to look like a complete twat, fashionable or not, you need to go home and get changed.

What The Fuck Is This?

Not only does she wear stupid clothes, she bares a striking resemblance to the Wicked Witch of the West, chin mole and all;

Beware the Mole

She had a nose job years ago. Why, whilst under the knife, didn't she get rid of that bastard mole on her chin? It is positivly horrific.

If it wasn't for this stupid show, a lot of women would be a lot happier.

Sex and the City has trained perfectly normal well rounded Women how to play relationship games. This is all well and good, but what women don't realise is, is that men don't play the same games. Women think we do, but we don't. This causes no end of grief and ultimately leaves those women as single and as miserable as Carrie herself.

Then they think thay are happy because they think "I'm single girl about town, just like Carrie."

But you're not are you? She lives in an exclusive City appartment earning huge amounts of cash and gets invites to all the big social events of the Year, rubbing shoulders with Film stars etc. You work in a travel agents in Barnsley, selling coach tours to pensioners and live in a former Council house. Hardly kindrid spirits.

The rest of the cast are pretty insignificant, but wind me up all the same.

Samantha had a bit of appeal in the beggining because she was a bit of a sexy older woman and liked cock. However she's had that much cock now, that no man in his right mind would ever want to tup her. She's been shagged to death;

Samantha Getting Bummed In The Shower By Mr Big.

And without the airbrush, she looks extremely ropey;

Samanta's Cellulite

The Ginger one and the timid one don't really do or say much, they are just fillers;

Ginger Freak.

Timid Frightened One.

So that's my take on Sex and the City. I will concede that I've only ever seen about half an episode, but I've walked into the room when my missus or sister are watching it enought to consider myself an expert.

I can't think of anything worse that a 2 hour long film of this bullshit. The only plus point is, that while my other half is watching it with her friends, I'll be sat with my feet up watching Ray Mears chilling the fuck out.

Ray's a Legend

I'm watching a documentary on Channel 4 about sexual culture.

The reason I put it on, is fairly obvious, I was hoping to see boobs.

Unfortunately, for the past 10 minutes they've been interviewing a gay fella about his promiscuous lifestyle.

He states he has had over 5000 blokes in the sack.

Two questions;

1) How the fuck has he kept count?
2) How is that possible?

I reckon he's talking bollocks. He's just plucked the figure out of the air hasn't he, coz that model who used to drink his own spunk said he'd had 1000 women and he's trying to out do him.

I've done my maths. He looks about 40. He's been at it since he was 16. That'd mean he's tupped 1.7 men every day since the day he lost his virginity!!!!
That's a lot of cock. I'm guessing he's lost the odd day to illness, family get togethers etc. That'd up his average to at least 2 cocks a day.
I'm not prude. I am aware that on the odd occassion he's probably had it off with a number of fellas at the same time.
Even so I still think it's physically impossible to notch up 5000 shags in the given time frame.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

I'd just like to warn any ladies out there who are contemplating putting their names forward for the forthcoming series of Gok Wan's hit show "How to Look God Naked", DON'T.

Why I hear you ask? I'll try to explain;

The women on this show are conned into thinking they look great, when in actual fact they don't. Sorry if that's a bombshell ladies.

Appologies if you're reading this and have already been on the show. I probably didn't see that episode and I'm sure you looked nice.

The show is flawed for various reasons. The first being Gok is as camp as a row of tents. Lets face it, I wouldn't get a massive confidence boost if a big fat lesbian (nowt wrong with lezzers before you have a go) told me I looked good. For some reason though, Gok has the ability to convince fatties that they look better than they actually do.

As one of his confidence boosting tricks, Gok shoehorns a 20 stone woman into a bikini and then puts it on a 10ft high billboard in Meadowhall shopping centre. He then stands with the 20 stoner and asks men (in her presence)what they think of the picture. Surprisingly enough they all reply "Oooo she looks gorgeous. If I wasn't married.........".
Now call me a cynic, but I'd wager that if those self same fellas were asked in private what they thought, they'd probably state "I'd rather shag you Gok, at least tha's got rite nice legs".

I'm very fond of big ladies (as friends) and for that reason I want to see an end to them being exploited by Gok. He's using them for his own ends, like a Polish Gypsy with a dancing Bear.

Ladies, don't let Gok use your low self esteem against you. Wear big baggy clothes and hold your heads up high. You probably have really big tits, so just be happy with that.

And for anyone who hasn't seen the show, get it watched, it's proper funny.

I emplore you not to buy any "FAIRTRADE" items as it is morally wrong and I'll explain why;

Fair trade is stamping out child labour accross the globe...... FACT!

This can only be a negative thing for the following reasons;

1. If the kids want to work and earn an honest wage, then let them. I can't believe we are actually getting in the way of kids wanting to do a hard day's work.
Look at this country, it's on it's arse. We have developed into an idle set of layabouts, none more so than the current generation of youth. This Country would be better place if our kids adopted the same go get em attitude as those hard workers in the sweat shops of the Far East.

2. We are denying the young generation of developing Countries the joy of early retirement. They can retire at 35, How many westerners can say that? I'd give my right arm to be drawing my pension in 4 years time.
Why go to school and learn a pile of pointless shite, when their time could be better spent at work, paying into a pension scheme.

3. The rate of nuisance youth and anti social type crime will rocket in these areas, if the kids weren't busy working they'd be out smashing bus stops, like they do in South Yorkshire.

The only plus point I can see for stopping child labour abroad, is that it might cause a labour vacuum and encourage all the "skilled" immigants (you know who you are, yeah you lot at the scotch egg factory down the road)that are flooding into this country, to piss off elsewhere and make their fortunes. Thus relieving some of the strain on the NHS etc....

In summary if kids want to work, let them. Lets not shatter their dreams of job security and early retirement, just so that we can pat ourselves on the back for buying FAIRTRADE.

Just buy non GM or CORNFED and feel warm inside about that instead.