The time is finally here folks. Gays and gals all over the globe will be clapping limp wristed at the thought of a feature length Sex and the City.

What a load of shit.

I, like so many other red blooded men out there, was caught out all those years ago.
When flicking through the channels I spotted a program starting with the word 'sex' after the watershed. Imagine my delight;

"There's bound to be some tits on show in this". How wrong can you be.

I, like all those other men, watched about 5 minutes of an episode and then turned back to Eurotrash, dissapointed and dejected. What a let down.

The show was and still is a load of kak.

If it's on when I walk into a room, I feel immediately violent. I want to kill someone. Preferably the tosser who writes it.

My biggest bug bare, is the lead, Sarah Jessica Parker, or SJP as she is known amongst wannabe IT girls.

"She's so brave, she wears what she wants and sets her own trends"

No she wears shite that no one in thier right mind would wear. The world of fashion is a strange one, but once you start to look like a complete twat, fashionable or not, you need to go home and get changed.

What The Fuck Is This?

Not only does she wear stupid clothes, she bares a striking resemblance to the Wicked Witch of the West, chin mole and all;

Beware the Mole

She had a nose job years ago. Why, whilst under the knife, didn't she get rid of that bastard mole on her chin? It is positivly horrific.

If it wasn't for this stupid show, a lot of women would be a lot happier.

Sex and the City has trained perfectly normal well rounded Women how to play relationship games. This is all well and good, but what women don't realise is, is that men don't play the same games. Women think we do, but we don't. This causes no end of grief and ultimately leaves those women as single and as miserable as Carrie herself.

Then they think thay are happy because they think "I'm single girl about town, just like Carrie."

But you're not are you? She lives in an exclusive City appartment earning huge amounts of cash and gets invites to all the big social events of the Year, rubbing shoulders with Film stars etc. You work in a travel agents in Barnsley, selling coach tours to pensioners and live in a former Council house. Hardly kindrid spirits.

The rest of the cast are pretty insignificant, but wind me up all the same.

Samantha had a bit of appeal in the beggining because she was a bit of a sexy older woman and liked cock. However she's had that much cock now, that no man in his right mind would ever want to tup her. She's been shagged to death;

Samantha Getting Bummed In The Shower By Mr Big.

And without the airbrush, she looks extremely ropey;

Samanta's Cellulite

The Ginger one and the timid one don't really do or say much, they are just fillers;

Ginger Freak.

Timid Frightened One.

So that's my take on Sex and the City. I will concede that I've only ever seen about half an episode, but I've walked into the room when my missus or sister are watching it enought to consider myself an expert.

I can't think of anything worse that a 2 hour long film of this bullshit. The only plus point is, that while my other half is watching it with her friends, I'll be sat with my feet up watching Ray Mears chilling the fuck out.

Ray's a Legend