1. Working Men's Club.

2. Job Seekers Allowance.

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She's beautiful, according to Lorraine Kelly and various other members of the daytime TV crowd. Is she? Is she beautiful? I must be looking at the wrong woman, because I thnk she's less than average and to rub salt in, she's got an undershot jaw. Why do the press feel obliged to give outrageous compliments to her? Why do they feel the need to have entire fashion articles dedicated to what she's wearing today? We never seem that bothered about her French counterpart, who IS beautiful and who IS the height of fashion. I wonder why that is?

Allegedly she's the height of fashion!! well I'm not being funny, but the Queen looked trendier than Mrs Obama when they met today.

To be fair old Barrack got the pick of the bunch at school though didn't he?

My favourite moment of today though, was when a Beeb One reporter asked a hoody clad youth why meeting the new first lady was such a special moment? she replied "Coz she's the first black one in it"

I just don't get it

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Get a load of the new Visa adverts;

There's no fucking way this fella needs crutches !!

And to rub it in he's doing chuffing adverts on national tele for even more cash !!

I can't believe works and pensions haven't spotted this one and sent in their fraud dept to sort him out.

I'll stand corrected, but only after seeing a letter from his Doctor.

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Does this look wrong to anyone else?

Now, don't get me wrong I'm totally against political correctness, but if we're going to have it, then surely sign writers / designers should be at the forefront of getting it right. I mean their work is going to be in public view all the time.

Now to me the sign is encouraging the able bodied sprinter on the right to leave the disabled fella to burn. I'm guessng that seconds earlier the able bodied fella was on the left and has made good ground on the disabled fella, sprinting past him to safety. He might have even had to have pushed him to one side, cause it's tight at the exit of the Doctor's surgery.

Not only that, what the hell is the able bodied fella doing at the Doctors in the first place? He's obviously not that ill is he?

Now wouldn't my alternative be better?

This way everyone's a winner, and the able bodied fella will probably get some kind of hero award, presented by one of the cast of Emmerdale at a posh bash somewhere.

All is right in the World once more.............

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3 x 24 Packs of Carling
1 x Claw Hammer.

That was it! Nothing else at all.

My imagination isn't great and I presumed he planned to drink himself into oblivion, before stoving his wife's head in.

Anyone else got any slightly more imaginative ideas, as to what his post shop plans were? What kind of evening did he have planned?

I'm sure you can do better than me.

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I've heard of people making friends online before, but I thought it was just people being conned or befriending 40 year old peadophiles posing as School girls.

Abrama is so cool, he comes from Togo, which is a narrow Country in West Africa bourdering Ghana(It says so on Wikepedia)and he is stinking rich. He must be really important, because in a Country where you can buy a family of slaves for a warm turd, Abrama has managed to save up 28.6 million US Dollars. What a guy and he's only 28. I'm guessing he's some kind of King or someone of equal importance, like Duncan Bannatyne.

I bet you're all wandering how we met, well he messaged me out of the blue on Blog.Co.Uk and offered me loads of cash if I helped him with an investment opportunity.

Naturally I agreed and as I type, I am waiting for all that cash too land in the account that I sent him details of.

Anyway that's all, just was so excited I wanted to tell everyone.

Don't be bombarding me with requests for cash to help out sick relatives etc, charity starts at home and my ears won't pin themselves.

Chow

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Why do checkout women see that line as a challenge? I can almost hear them thinking "NO YOU FUCKING WON'T"

I'm trying to do them a favour, I figure their job is shitty enough, without having to pack peoples bags for them as well. I'd love a hand with my packing, I fucking hate packing the shopping. I'd pay someone to pack my bags. It just feels the right thing to say, like checkout etiquette.

I'm tempted next time, to say "Yeah please pack my bags for me" and then just stand and watch. Better that than be stood like a complete arse, with a mounting pile of tins and boxes which don't seem to want to go in the bags at all.

I think they just enjoy watching poor blokes sweating, trying to keep up as they frantically scan and sling items at us.

That's it, all I have to say on that one.

In fact, on a similar note, has anyone else noticed Tesco carrier bags have got really thin over the past two years? They are now just thick enough to make it to the car in one piece. However, making from the car to the front door in one piece seems to be a bridge too far for em.

Laters

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I did glance up at the T.V periodically to see what was going on and it became apparent that one of the contestants, the one who looks like a waiflike Harry Potter character, was blubbing her eyes out at the height of some emotional announcement. The crowd were on their feet applauding and the geordie judge Cheryl, "Chessa" to her mates, was blubbing too. To top it off, the dirtier looking Minogue sister was fighting back the tears un all.
I could only assume, from the levels of emotion being shown and the massive reception she was getting, that this weeks task was to cure a desiese and that Diane had indeed hit the jackpot and kicked Cancer into touch. Cheryl went on to say "I'M SO PRUDE OF YOUSE. AFTER THAT PERFORMANCE YOU DESERVE TO WIN IT AND YOU'VE MADE THIS COMPETITION COME ALIVE FOR US"

Not to be outdone, the next time I looked up,a buxome Spanish lass called Ruth, (is Ruth a Spanish name?) was also in floods of tears and again the panel including the lecherous Simon Cowell were all blubbing about whatever amazing feat she had done this week, presumably curing HIV.

I lost interest after that, but I've been checking the press and there haven't been any big announcements.

I'm tipping that the boy band J.I.S or whatever they are called, found a cure for the Flu and bagged the grey vote, blowing the competition out of the water. Pensioners fucking love their X Factor you know.

I'll let you know what happens with all this, watch this space.

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Number of sob stories who have made it through tonight = 2

There is a pattern emerging to who has 'The X Factor'.

These individuals fall into 2 categories;

1, Those that Simon wants to slip his tail into.
2, The sob stories. Those who've applied because it was the dying wish of their Mother, Sister, still born baby etc.

It's a bit of giveaway when the sob stories are about to get through though, because the show kicks into a docu style run down of how they ended up at X Factor. "It was my wife's dying wish that I applied for the show" or "My Gran sent the applcation in on her death bed. It's my destiny"

Cheryl will start to cry on cue and once they've finished their rendition of 'Wind Beneath My Wings' she comments "I duv'ent naa hue ya've coped. She'd have been really prude of yee"

PART 2. I wrote the above last week and I'm once again sat watching the show (under duress) with my other half. We are now in some sun soaked Holiday resort and the chosen few are singing for a spot on the judge's teams. The groups, the girls and the boys, oh and who could forget the over 50's.

It's cringworthy stuff. Each individual act has a blub prior to singing. "I just don't want to fail. I promised me Ma I'd make something of me sen and this is my only chance!"

ERRRR NO IT'S FUCKING NOT.

Here's a novel idea, why don't you apply yourself to doing something constructive with your life and actually work towards it. I'd say your first chance was the 11 years of School you spent tossing it off. It's worthy of note that the ones who cry about how much they need to win, are generally unemployed and living in a bedsit infested with cockroaches.

That's the problem with it all. All these fucking losers want the bling lifestyle, fancy cars and money to burn, but rather than work for it, they expect to sing a few songs for Cowell and Co and have everything handed to them on a plate.

I think the show would be far more entertaining if the contestants had to fight animals to get through each stage.
Week one could be a wild dog, week two a baboon etc....
By the time you've got a handful left they would be taking on Grizzly Bears. Being torn limb from limb, happy days.

I'd wager that they'd soon stop worrying about singing when they were backed into a corner by a Silverback Gorilla.

Anyway, rant over, I'm off to post my application for next year. You've got to be in it to win it, right?

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It's a sad reflection on the once great BBC that they didn't hang the phone up on her the minute she started to tell her story.

There are two things that grate on me regarding this whole thing.

1. There were 2 gruesome Murders in the town I live in this weekend. One of which was a youth who was stabbed to death during a fight with a rival gang! If it'd have been in Peckham it would have been at the top of the News reel. Yet because it wasn't in the big smoke, they have had to scrape the barrell and give this idiot airtime. How can ths possibly be construde as News of National importance.

2. What was this cretin thinking when she picked up the phone to ring the press. Did she honestly think she would come accross well?

In order for you to make an informed decision regarding this, I will explain further;

During the test, the testee dove through a large puddle soaking a pedestrian on the pavement!

This is infact a traffic offence and carries a £30 fine for careless and inconsiderate driving.

The girls justification for the call to the press, is that, and I quote;

"THERE IS NOTHING IN THE HIGHWAY CODE RELATING TO SPLASHING PEDESTRIANS AND IT ISN'T VERY CLEAR WHERE YOU STAND. THE HIGHWAY CODE SHOULD BE WRITTEN MORE CLEARLY SO PEOPLE KNOW."

Holy dog shit, what a retard.

If I'm not mistaken, there is nothing in the highway code, relating to 'mowing down a young Mother as she pushes her pram accross the road', but you don't fucking do it during your driving test!

A mate of mine at school clipped a carrier bag out of the hand of a shopper whith his wing mirror during his test and failed. He didn't demand the highway code be revised making it clear that you shouldn't clip pedestrians with bits of your vehicle. He didn't ring BBC News demanding justice.

What has the World come too when idiots like this are given the time of day. She should be banned from driving for life, purely on the grounds that she's an arse.

See for yourselves;

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7605026.stm

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Whilst on my way home from work yesterday, I dropped into the local shop to complete my 5-a-day.

As I dropped carrots into a bag, a fresh faced toddler appeared next to me and started to sift through the carrots too.

After a minute or so he carefully picked out one especially nice looking carrot and turned to his Mum who was just appearing at the bottom of the isle.

The young lad looked up "Mummy I've picked a carrot for the rabbit"
His face was full of pride.

With that, his Mother walked past him and without giving him a glance said "We haven't got a fuckin rabbit!!". With that she dissapeared down the bread isle.

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Always cup the balls Ladies. My other half always cups my balls and I love it.

And fellas, shave your nads. Ladies love a shawn sack and I've gotta tell ya, it feels great, like a soft silk purse.

Now go enjoy yourselves

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It has begun to dawn on me that Ebay is either 'black majic' (that's not racist) or people are liars.

By way of explanation I need only ask you one simple question;

"Have you ever met anyone who didn't come out a winner on Ebay?"

I suspect your answer will be no.

I have never bought or sold anything on Ebay, as I have massive trust issues with the whole concept of it. So all I have to go on are the experiences of friends and work colleagues. But here's the thing;

On the selling front, all I seem to hear are tales of unbelievable sales;
People selling old knackered mobile phones for hundreds of pounds. Old shitty playstation games for more than they cost new. There's a lad at work who sells his teenage son's second hand stinking trainers for the kind of money you'd pay for a kilo of Charlie.

Another lad at work who sold a set of kitchen diner 'faux leather' stools for more than he paid for them, six years ago!! Don't people look at the price of stuff first before they start to bid on Ebay, or are they just carried away by the excitement of it all. Sat at home like David Dickinson on speed.

Equally, I've never met anyone who hasn't got a bargain on Ebay;
"I got this £500 camera for £6 and a happy meal!!"

The number of people who brag about all these majical deals they find on everything from board games to luxury yachts. I don't believe it for a minute.

"I got this Porsche 911 for free! They ran out of garage space and just wanted someone to take it off their hands"

So my point is this;

IF EVERYONE WHO SELLS SOMETHING ON EBAY MAKES A FIVE HUNDRED PERCENT PROFIT AND EVERYONE WHO BUYS SOMETHING, GETS IT FOR THE PRICE OF DUST, THEN WHAT THE FUCK?"

It just doesn't work. It's basic maths I think. Either Ebuyers, like Gordan Brown, have no concept of the cost of living, or there is some kind of voodoo going on. In theory, Ebay should be in a state of massive negative equity and on the brink of implossion (can't spell that).

Ebay just doesn't work. It can't possibly work.

In reality I think the true picture is very different. I think it comes down to pride and ego. Nobody wants to admit they paid £60 for a mobile phone and it never turned up. Nobody wants to admit they've been done. Surely for Ebay to work and balance itself out, there must be 10 horror stories for every positive one. For every pound people save on one item, they must lose ten on another.

That's a more likely explanation.

Essentially Ebay is an online carboot sale. People selling shite that no one wants to idiots who don't really need it. It just seems more glam coz it's done over a laptop instead of out of the back of an old Volvo at the local dogtrack car park.

I'm planning to start an anti Ebay campaign and would appreciate your suport

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It is suspected that her strained marriage with Homer will come to a head and the messy split wll see her turn to drinnk, then painkillers and ultimately crack cocaine.

Updates to follow.

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but %60 of all adverts just wash over you, niether catching the eye nor causing offence, I don't mind them. %10 of adverts are clever, witty or attention grabbing and are pleasant to watch, I love them. Then there's the remaining %30 which are absolute shite and get my blood boiling.

Don't get me wrong, I know small companies haven't got the budget to animate rubbish being ejected from the sea and not all companies employ advertisers who have the natural flare to have your sides splitting. But come on folks, how hard is it to dress a buxom page three girl in a bikini and just sit her on your product? That'd suffice.

I mean the Halifax Bank is the perfect example. Getting staff members (famously Howard who has now been sacked) to sing and dance badly was a stupid idea and led to a long running string of shit ads. I'm sure there are staff members with big tits and nice hair who could have had mortgage rates pencilled onto their buttocks.

There's absolutely no excuse for a lot of the really bad ads out there. The multitude of ones revolved around accidents in the work place. The crap car insurance ads (Admiral and Churchill you know who you are). The crappy adverts for online bingo that have started cropping up.
Iceland ads involving Kerry 'fat horrible chavy' Katona and her horrible disfunctional family eating mountains of frozen processed food.
"How much do we want to borrow? 25'000 pounds?" You know the one "Well they better not cancel football". That's the one that really got me mad. What a pile of crap. Thank God it's a thing of the past

I'm not sure if I'm a bit strange, because other people don't seem to be too bothered about ads. My other half's family put the T.V on mute during ads to talk!!!!!!!!! What's all that about? I sit there grinding my teeth, fists clenched, trying to lip read and guess the music.

This brings me to the point of this blog entry. Have you seen the latest advert for

GREENFLAG breakdown cover.

It's brilliant, a refreshing change. It's not comedy genius, don't get me wrong. However it made me laugh out loud, which compelled me to tell you all about it.

Just so you know which one it is, it starts with a husband and wife broken down at roadside and husband starts playing drums on the steering wheel with his pen. I'll not spoil the ending. It is hot of the press as I write this, so keep your eyes peeled.

It's refreshing to see a mundane ad with a bit of thought put into it. The lips move at the right time and everything.

Watch this space as I intend to list my top 10ish fave ads of all time and the ones that make me turn over before I flip and smash the T.V. Any contributions to the creative process are welcome. If you're not an advert buff though you just won't understand

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I obviously join in these conversations wholeheartedly. I do feel a tad uninformed though and think that you should make sure you have your facts straight pre rant. Therefore, I decided to trawl the web in an attempt to find out exactly what it's costing you and I.

So here's some figures I managed to dig up, so tat next time you are ranting about the unemployed at work, you can quote som numbers;

The total annual cost of those claiming unemployment benefit, disability and job seekers allowance etc is £61 BILLION a year.

The government conceed that the amount physically paid out is £11 BILLION.

The first figure is calculated by working out how much we tax payers have to put into the pot to make up for the tax that Would be paid in by all the jobless fuckers if they could be arsed to get out of bed.

To save you doing any maths, I can tell you that it works out at around £2'800 per tax paying household annually!!!

What's the World come too.

A look on the Government website reveals where some of our taxes are going. There are 1.53 million unemployed in the Uk. Then there's the 1 million economically inactive (those who aren't actively seeking work, but don't have a job or income either) add those 2.53 million to the 1 million (of 2.5 million cliaming disability) on incapacity benefit who are playing the system, then that's 3.53 million people getting the following;

£60 a week job seekers allowance or £85 a week disability
£19 a week child benefit for child one and £13 for every kid after that.

£500 child trust fund (employed get half that!!!)
A further £500 sure start maternity grant for every child.
Travel to and from Hospital paid,
Free prescriptions,
Free dental care,
Free eyesight tests,
Help towards the cost of glasses / contact lenses,
Free courses at College and travel paid to and from.
Healthy start scheme which entitles you to free milk/formula and fruit and veg every week when you've got kids.
No Council Tax payments,
No rent.

Jesus Christ that's a lot of money.

Don't forget of course that if you are claiming disability then you can claim a motorbility car. That is a new car (usually 07 plate or newer)with no road tax to pay or insurance.
Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge genuine disabled people getting around. However there are plenty of people playing the system. I know of a local lad who crashed a car he'd stolen, badly breaking his leg. He is now entitled to £85 a week incapacity instead of the £60 a week he was getting as a job seeker and now he's got a brand new car to drive around in. That doesn't seem right to me, what do you reckon?

There are of course hundreds of other crazy money wasting schemes out there. There's wheels to work, where youths are given new mopeds with free insurance so they can drive to the factory rather than get a bus.

There's the free nicotorette patches and gum the unemployed smoker gets on the NHS to try and quit. They wouldn't need to quit if they got food vouchers instead of money every week, they wouldn't be able to buy cigs in the first place to get started.
There's the free gym classes that are being handed out to the unemployd obese. Again my argument would be that if they didn't get so much money, they wouldn't be able to buy so much bastard food. If they were that keen to loose weight then why not start fucking running, that would cost the tax payer £0 a week.

Now think of all the individuals (and theres a lot) who we are paying for, who are in their late twenties and are mentally ill through drug abuse throughout thier teens. Drug induced phsycosis they call it. That's 40 to 60 years of care for every one.

Add that to the thousands of heroin addicts who are on drug treatment programs receiving free methadone and councilling etc. Then the thousands of heroin addicts not in drug treatment programs receiving free needles, free citric acid, free swabs, free councilling, free health visitors to check up on thier health and free treatment for deep vein thrombosis.

Then add that to the cost of upkeep of the millions of Council Houses up and down the Country. If two scummers fall out they will no dount resolve matters by smashing each others windows. They call the Cops, get a cime number which they give to the Council in return for free new double glazing.

It just goes on and on.

My advice to you is get out while you can because it'll only get worse.

Here's food for thought too, not only are we paying for all that, but if someone comes into this Counry from the Eu and has a child back in Slovakia, they can claim Child Benefits for that child or children even if they never step foot in the UK! What's all that about.

I'm sure there are loads of other handouts that didn't jump out at me, but I'm sure your average jobless piece of shite with ADHD and who can't read or write, knows them all inside out.

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What a load of shit.

I, like so many other red blooded men out there, was caught out all those years ago.
When flicking through the channels I spotted a program starting with the word 'sex' after the watershed. Imagine my delight;

"There's bound to be some tits on show in this". How wrong can you be.

I, like all those other men, watched about 5 minutes of an episode and then turned back to Eurotrash, dissapointed and dejected. What a let down.

The show was and still is a load of kak.

If it's on when I walk into a room, I feel immediately violent. I want to kill someone. Preferably the tosser who writes it.

My biggest bug bare, is the lead, Sarah Jessica Parker, or SJP as she is known amongst wannabe IT girls.

"She's so brave, she wears what she wants and sets her own trends"

No she wears shite that no one in thier right mind would wear. The world of fashion is a strange one, but once you start to look like a complete twat, fashionable or not, you need to go home and get changed.

What The Fuck Is This?

Not only does she wear stupid clothes, she bares a striking resemblance to the Wicked Witch of the West, chin mole and all;

Beware the Mole

She had a nose job years ago. Why, whilst under the knife, didn't she get rid of that bastard mole on her chin? It is positivly horrific.

If it wasn't for this stupid show, a lot of women would be a lot happier.

Sex and the City has trained perfectly normal well rounded Women how to play relationship games. This is all well and good, but what women don't realise is, is that men don't play the same games. Women think we do, but we don't. This causes no end of grief and ultimately leaves those women as single and as miserable as Carrie herself.

Then they think thay are happy because they think "I'm single girl about town, just like Carrie."

But you're not are you? She lives in an exclusive City appartment earning huge amounts of cash and gets invites to all the big social events of the Year, rubbing shoulders with Film stars etc. You work in a travel agents in Barnsley, selling coach tours to pensioners and live in a former Council house. Hardly kindrid spirits.

The rest of the cast are pretty insignificant, but wind me up all the same.

Samantha had a bit of appeal in the beggining because she was a bit of a sexy older woman and liked cock. However she's had that much cock now, that no man in his right mind would ever want to tup her. She's been shagged to death;

Samantha Getting Bummed In The Shower By Mr Big.

And without the airbrush, she looks extremely ropey;

Samanta's Cellulite

The Ginger one and the timid one don't really do or say much, they are just fillers;

Ginger Freak.

Timid Frightened One.

So that's my take on Sex and the City. I will concede that I've only ever seen about half an episode, but I've walked into the room when my missus or sister are watching it enought to consider myself an expert.

I can't think of anything worse that a 2 hour long film of this bullshit. The only plus point is, that while my other half is watching it with her friends, I'll be sat with my feet up watching Ray Mears chilling the fuck out.

Ray's a Legend

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The reason I put it on, is fairly obvious, I was hoping to see boobs.

Unfortunately, for the past 10 minutes they've been interviewing a gay fella about his promiscuous lifestyle.

He states he has had over 5000 blokes in the sack.

Two questions;

1) How the fuck has he kept count?
2) How is that possible?

I reckon he's talking bollocks. He's just plucked the figure out of the air hasn't he, coz that model who used to drink his own spunk said he'd had 1000 women and he's trying to out do him.

I've done my maths. He looks about 40. He's been at it since he was 16. That'd mean he's tupped 1.7 men every day since the day he lost his virginity!!!!
That's a lot of cock. I'm guessing he's lost the odd day to illness, family get togethers etc. That'd up his average to at least 2 cocks a day.
I'm not prude. I am aware that on the odd occassion he's probably had it off with a number of fellas at the same time.
Even so I still think it's physically impossible to notch up 5000 shags in the given time frame.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

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Why I hear you ask? I'll try to explain;

The women on this show are conned into thinking they look great, when in actual fact they don't. Sorry if that's a bombshell ladies.

Appologies if you're reading this and have already been on the show. I probably didn't see that episode and I'm sure you looked nice.

The show is flawed for various reasons. The first being Gok is as camp as a row of tents. Lets face it, I wouldn't get a massive confidence boost if a big fat lesbian (nowt wrong with lezzers before you have a go) told me I looked good. For some reason though, Gok has the ability to convince fatties that they look better than they actually do.

As one of his confidence boosting tricks, Gok shoehorns a 20 stone woman into a bikini and then puts it on a 10ft high billboard in Meadowhall shopping centre. He then stands with the 20 stoner and asks men (in her presence)what they think of the picture. Surprisingly enough they all reply "Oooo she looks gorgeous. If I wasn't married.........".
Now call me a cynic, but I'd wager that if those self same fellas were asked in private what they thought, they'd probably state "I'd rather shag you Gok, at least tha's got rite nice legs".

I'm very fond of big ladies (as friends) and for that reason I want to see an end to them being exploited by Gok. He's using them for his own ends, like a Polish Gypsy with a dancing Bear.

Ladies, don't let Gok use your low self esteem against you. Wear big baggy clothes and hold your heads up high. You probably have really big tits, so just be happy with that.

And for anyone who hasn't seen the show, get it watched, it's proper funny.

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Fair trade is stamping out child labour accross the globe...... FACT!

This can only be a negative thing for the following reasons;

1. If the kids want to work and earn an honest wage, then let them. I can't believe we are actually getting in the way of kids wanting to do a hard day's work.
Look at this country, it's on it's arse. We have developed into an idle set of layabouts, none more so than the current generation of youth. This Country would be better place if our kids adopted the same go get em attitude as those hard workers in the sweat shops of the Far East.

2. We are denying the young generation of developing Countries the joy of early retirement. They can retire at 35, How many westerners can say that? I'd give my right arm to be drawing my pension in 4 years time.
Why go to school and learn a pile of pointless shite, when their time could be better spent at work, paying into a pension scheme.

3. The rate of nuisance youth and anti social type crime will rocket in these areas, if the kids weren't busy working they'd be out smashing bus stops, like they do in South Yorkshire.

The only plus point I can see for stopping child labour abroad, is that it might cause a labour vacuum and encourage all the "skilled" immigants (you know who you are, yeah you lot at the scotch egg factory down the road)that are flooding into this country, to piss off elsewhere and make their fortunes. Thus relieving some of the strain on the NHS etc....

In summary if kids want to work, let them. Lets not shatter their dreams of job security and early retirement, just so that we can pat ourselves on the back for buying FAIRTRADE.

Just buy non GM or CORNFED and feel warm inside about that instead.

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Whatever you do, don't stop and bend down to pick up the rogue items, it's a false economy. You'll only drop more and before you know it, there's a pile on the floor.

The best tactic to employ, is to simply crack on and take the bundle to it's destination, then go back for the stragglers.

That's the best advice I can give you all regarding carrying clothes around on mass.

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Now I have a medium by which I can reach out to a wide audience, I would like to pay tribute to one of my mates who served alongside me in the Marines. I haven't seen him since New Years Eve 2000, when we celebrated in style in a go go bar in Pattaya Thailand. I only hope whatever he's doing now brings him joy.

My tribute relates to that very trip and I think the following sums him up. Someone I always looked up to.

After a 20 hour journey to get to Bangkok, a mate Tim and I flagged down a Taxi and instructed him to take us to a Pub "The Rover's Return" in downtown Pattaya. That's the only place we'd heard of and were informed we'd be made welcome.

A couple of hours later, we pulled up outside. It was a humid sweaty evening and we were keen to get a drink.

Sat outside the bar were a group of Marines who we both knew and had already been in Thailand a week. One of these lads was Si Soardman.

We joined the table and requested a beer each from the 12 year old waitress.

Si had a look on his face I hadn't seen before, like he'd been through an ordeal.
"How's the trip going" I asked.
"Fucking brilliant" another lad piped up with a big grin, "Ask Si how he got on last night?"

I turned to Si and asked him;
"Not good mate" he replied.
"Why" I probed.

"Well I'd been drinking all day, took this hooker back to the hotel and started getting stuck in. I ended up behind her, giving her one up the hoop. I reached round to have a play with her front bottom and she had a big cock and balls!!!"

"So what did you do?" I asked with a smile building.

"What do you think..........I finished off and then threw him out."

That was old Si, he never gave up and always gave his all.

If you're out there Si, god bless ya.

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I simply commented that if I had breasts I'd never leave the house, I'd buy a full length mirror and spend all day playing with them in front of it. I'd try all manner of clothes and undies to try and make them look special. I'd probably after six months or so resort to dressing them up individually in little nitted outfits, like I used to do with Action man (who ironically had no genitals).

I might even draw little smiley faces on them. Or a smiley face on one and a sad face on the other, so they were like alter egos of each other. I'd then spend all day trying to cheer 'sad boob' up.

This conversation then led to a revelation. I shared a bit of a secret.
I explained that from time to time I would romantasise (certainly not fantasise) about how fun it would be to be blesseed with a ladies tuppance.

I explained that I would spend all my spare time playing with it. When I say playing, I more specifically mean stuffing it! I'd just go around the house trying to find new and interesting things to stick up my tuppance.
The obvious stuff like cucumbers and those phallic shaped deodarant bottles would keep me amused for the first week, but then you'd start to think about how for you could go.

I imagine chair legs and hoover apendages would be challenging. Wine bottles and china cups might smart a bit.

Don't get me wrong I don't crave a tuppance and I wouldn't be putting stuff in it to gratify myself, I just think it would be fun. It's all just pie in the sky though.

Anyway that's my first blog out of the way and I'm feeling very proud that I've opened up to you all on day one.

Tatty bye for now

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